Two Little Cars

Joe has been gone for almost five months now. A big part of me finds that unbelievable, impossible, untrue.

But it's not. And so you go on. You grieve. You mourn. You cry. You start to live again. You wonder, "Is that all? Shouldn't I feel more?" More time passes. Then you start to feel all the things you missed the first time.

You drive past his house and realize he's never coming home. You can't drop in for a visit anymore.

You hear someone tell a really corny joke and think, "I've got to remember to tell Joe that one." Then you realize you can't.

You realize he will never again say, "Hi Jake," and it absolutely breaks your heart.

As Christmas approaches, you begin to feel less-than-merry. Joe was Santa Clause, year-round.

You realize your young children will never know Uncle Joe. In fact, Joe never even held the youngest.

You miss him so very much, and you would give almost anything to tell him one more time how much you love him, how much he means to you.

Today we went down to visit Aunt Peggy. She's in her new house, the one Joe picked out but never got to live in. She's doing okay. She still misses Joe every single day. But she goes to work, she plays with my kids (and anyone else's who stops by), and she takes one day at a time.

Sam seems to look for things to get into these days. Just being at Peggy's didn't stop him. So she gave him one of Joe's cars to play with.

You must understand. Joe loved cars. Muscle cars were his favorite. He had a fire engine red Mustang that nobody else was allowed to drive. Joe loved cars.

Seeing Sam with his Uncle Joe's car was weird. Then Peggy said he could keep it. Oh my. I'm not so sure about this. Then it got worse.

Grace saw Sam's new car. Anything Sam has, Grace wants.

Grace told Aunt Peggy she needed a car.

Aunt Peggy went into the computer room and got Joe's other car. His black Mustang that was still in the box. "Oh no. You can't do that." "Oh yes I can."

And she did. She stood at the kitchen counter. She sniffed and tried not to cry. She took that car out of the box and gave it to Grace.

Remembering it makes my eyes fill with tears.

I did cry then. Tears streamed down my face. She gave the car to Grace.

Before we left she said, "Now you let them play with those."

And I will. Sam and Grace will play with the cars. And I'll tell them about Uncle Joe who loved cars.

But he loved them more.